I got out of bed today. Today is a better day than yesterday. I slept through my 8:30 a.m. physics class, scrambled to the 10 a.m. section instead, got my favorite breakfast sandwich from Blue Donkey and skipped the coffee — even though I only slept for four hours last night. As of late, it is impossible to sleep because I am spiraling while laying perfectly still. I make it to the Woodruff library to start on my overdue work; maybe focusing on work will distract me. Soon, it is time for my next class: I leave early so I won’t have to run into anyone at Asbury Circle. Unplanned social interactions are too much for me to handle right now. After class, my friend forces me to go to the DCT. I hate the DCT — too many people, nowhere to sit, no appetite. I get back to my dorm and lay in bed. I am so exhausted but I still can’t sleep. I feel like there is so much that I have to do – school work; see the friends I have been avoiding; attend my extracurriculars; figure out what the fuck I’m supposed to be doing with my life. I don’t want to do any of it. Can’t I just get some sleep, for a single night?

This is not the way humans are supposed to feel. I’m not fine. I need help. I pick up the phone and urgently dial the CAPS phone number. It rings for a few seconds and a voice answers. Tears are pouring from my eyes; my voice was ragged as I beg for help.

At first, they told me I had to wait. The next available appointment to see a CAPS counselor was December 3rd … it was October 1st.

“I cannot wait,” I begged. “I am here now. I know I need help now. I need something. I am unable to wait.”They told me I will have to wait at least a week until I can have a conversation with someone about being admitted into the CAPS program, and if I need a psychiatrist appointment I should contact student health. Then, they hung up.

Skip ahead to one year later. I am now able to sleep more than 4 hours a night, only skipping the social interactions of Asbury Circle every so often, and am no longer pretending. The unrelenting voices in my head are quieter. I’m better than bad. I am proud of myself for making the difficult decision to ask for help. However, navigating CAPS and student health resources was a constant battle. With every phone call and appointment, I had to advocate for myself. I was furious that I had to prove that I was “bad enough” to deserve adequate and timely treatment. I felt like I was constantly forced to expose parts of myself and my history that I was not ready to share. Furthermore, I felt so overwhelmed by the whole process that it felt like another weight on my already spent shoulders. Despite the barriers, I utilized the Emory resources because I felt like I had no other choice.

Last year, I voiced my frustration towards the Emory Administration’s lack of acknowledgement of student struggles in an Op-Ed to the Emory Wheel. I wrote this piece because I realized that the feelings of depression, anxiety, fear, and helplessness that I had experienced were synonymous with the experiences of hundreds of other students. From my observations, everyone on this campus has either dealt with mental illness or supported someone who suffered from mental illness. I was so tired of the Emory Administration’s lack of action.

But thanks to the attention the Op-Ed received, Emory’s administration finally agreed to meet with me: I set up a meeting with Senior Vice President and Dean of Campus Life, Enku Gelaye. At our first meeting, I was greeted with kindness and an open ear. She listened patiently to my many critiques and ideas for improving student well-being and mental health on campus. Additionally, she took the time to get to know me more personally, share more about her experiences as an administrator in the face of a student-health mental health crisis and emphasize how important it is to her to be meeting and hearing from students. I was surprised by Dean Gelaye’s sense of urgency and strong desire to improve Emory’s mental health resources and campus culture. I left our meeting feeling cautiously optimistic.

Since then, Dean Gelaye and I have developed a strong rapport. Through many meetings, we have continued our discussion about student health and well-being; I provide more ideas and criticism and she updates me on the progress and goals she and her team have made. Since last spring, some moderate changes have been made.

1. An updated web portal, Be Well, Your Way, that allows students to easily navigate the resources and support Emory provides that enrich student well-being. The website puts all the resources in one place making the process to get help one step easier.

2. Better access additional therapists on Timely Care

3. Hiring a new counseling center Executive Director, Kielan Rickard, Ph. D, ABPP, whose job is to promote holistic health and wellness services for all students.

4. Recruit a new associate vice president for belonging, engagement, and community to build synergies across programs aimed at enhancing student’s sense of belonging.

5. Online resources to help faculty and staff support students in distress

6. Completely understanding the stressors in a student’s life and working upstream (in advance of crisis) to reflect a culture of well-being.

7. Restructuring barriers of access and modifying protocols at Counseling and Psychological Services to better support students

The progress towards bettering student mental health has been slow, but there has been progress forward. Discussions and work to improve student well-being and mental health are still continuing between administrators, staff, and students. However, I remain cautiously optimistic until we see long-term, sustained change. As students we must keep advocating for ourselves for the adequate treatment and resources we deserve. It is our responsibility to keep Emory accountable and continue the conversation about mental health.

If you or a friend are struggling with mental health, you are not alone. I recommend making use of Emory’s mental health or student health resources. They are not perfect. But better than bad isn’t good — except when it comes to mental health.